2004 - 2006 :: JN... Thank you for giving me the chance to know you, and chance again

2006 - 2007 :: AL... Thank you for teaching me wrongs and hurt that I could have not gotten any other way

2007 - 2009 :: JL... Thank you for showing me what true love means and leaving me a better person

Present...  It has never been my belief to be with anyone I do not have feelings for and/or see a future with.  I have made an exception once before and that is the only time that can ever happen.  It is not wrong to start with such hope and belief... in a relationship that is so young and eager.  It is not wrong to want something with someone that I can cherish.  It is not wrong... to want Love.

I have said this and hoped for this times before, but today and tomorrows... I truly want and wish on all the shooting stars in the sky for my life to finally start.

If time will tell, then let time tell and do not judge or lose hope in me.  I just need that much from you..as my family.

it's been almost 3 months since my last blog... but the time that's past since feels like an eternity.  i credit that to my counting the days that's gone by...

what will this blog be about... mmm... dreams

i've always believed that dreams are just a collection of images drawn up by thoughts in my subconscious mind that replay when my mind is at rest... so overall, a rather scientific "idea"

so, how does that explain the actual images that replay?  what do they mean?  i've never really paid attention to what i dream about, so most of the time when i wake up, i forget about what i was dreaming out almost instantaneously... unless of course it was a nightmare - those i wake up from breaking out in a coldsweat.

lately, i've been paying attention to what my mind replays when i'm sleeping... in other words, i'm consciously making a note of what my subconscious mind is reminding me about and when i do that, i surprise myself.

sally once told me that dreams are not a simple thing... when you pay attention to them... take them seriously... believe in them.. they can be a special thing.  like... something that sends you a message or tells you something that you don't know...

it makes sense because when i think about it, not many people would take their dreams seriously because (like myself) i would have a scientific "idea" about what dreams are and would settle with that and not think any more about it, thus not really have memory about what their dreams were after they wake up.

but instead of settling with the scientific "idea" of dreams... and just giving them a second thought, dreams can seem to be so much more meaningful...

why i say that is because... i've been treating my dreams like they are a kind of connection of minds... so i've been paying more attention to what i've been dreaming about, and what i've found is that, my dreams seem to be trying to tell me something that i want to know.  trying to help me understand and figure out some things that i've been really upset about over the last 3 months.

one of them is my relationship with him.  the other, is my dilemma with her.  i hope i find the answer or key to the solution through my feelings in my dreams with both of these important people in my life.  haha... do i sound desperate or what? if only...

So here I am stopping to catch my breath and realizing that it's already July 2008.  Half the year has gone by and I haven't even noticed there's only another 2 more months before it's September again.  September seems to mark the start of a new year for me; that's why I say September.  So what has really kept me busy...

Work is taking up a big part of my life right now.  It's keeping me going at a regular pace and taking up enough time of my day to keep me grounded.  It feels good to have something to commit to and expect to receive a reward at the end of every 15 days.  It is still really simple office work I'm doing right now but I am hoping to win over the VP of Sales and Marketing so I can join into the world of real estate sales.  If I land this, it will be a 5-6 year project and at the end of it, I will be sure to have the experience and knowledge to take me further into the scheme of the real estate market.  So (please) wish me luck!  Until I hear some more news on this, I will keep working hard at what I have already...  So work is one kind of commitment...

The other biggest commitment of my life is someone with whom I hope to spend most of my life.  We have been steadily growing together... learning everyday what works and what doesn't.  He has helped me to grow and know myself better.  Know of who I am and what I want.  Life is full of people who step in and step out but everything that happens and everyone we meet holds a purpose to our life.  They are the things and people who holds a piece of who you are meant to be.  I believe the person who holds the most important key to who I am is my husband.  This kind of commitment though is not without promises, but rather, it holds infinite promises... more so than the cheque I get at the end of every 15 days of work.  So I do treasure what we have and I hope we can find the strength in us to pull through and make it to the end of that long aisle.

So my life is moving, not at a radical speed but not at a snail pace either.  I have to get back into school in September and this time, there won't be leeway for failure.  I will get my diploma and then my degree.  Because someone told me that the education I collect will forever be mine to hold and keep.  So whether or not I have that to keep, it's out there for me to grab a hold of - I'm going for it.

Family at home is ever so difficult.  Some of you who read this might think, there is poverty and hunger going on in the world and I'm here complaining about family difficulties.  But you see, difficulties are difficulties.  There is no degree of what is more difficult to one than it is to another.  Everyone is different.  Difficulties come to each in different forms.  I think it's fair for me to say that difficulties for me wouldn't be difficulties to the eyes of others.  In so saying that, seems to hand me the logical answer that I have the right to think that difficulties of others aren't difficulties either.  So it's only fair that difficulties come in all forms and they should all be taken care of in the best manner possible.  Which leads me to this:  there is absolutely no way I can think of to handle the difficulties that does not seem to cease within the walls of my family.